talkmagic.co.uk

Ancient folk wisdom:
Red sky at night, shepheards delight.
Blue sky at night, Day.

You probably won't believe I'm actually saying this but, seriously folks, you all need Occult. Occult is good, Occult will make a huge difference to your life and your health. Get into the Occult routine… oh, hang on a sec, I think perhaps that should be Yakult......

They said "Don't try this at home!"

So I'm coming round to your house.

Mandrake wrote: there's some seriously funny stuff here

Hmmm perhaps we could sort of edit this thread into a proper joke book, headings, topics and all that sort of thing. Might only take about 20 years...

"We"...?

I've bought a new book, the autobiography of Francesco Sello, the man who invented Sellotape. I haven't read it yet, I can't seem to find the beginning......

For Christmas I'm getting Mrs.M some new beads for her abacus. It's the little things that count......

Hahah!

Well I'm being super lazy today. It's just like normal lazy but I'm wearing a cape. My neighbur came and banged on my door at 2.30AM!! Luckily I was still up practicing the bagpipes.

but I'm wearing a cape

Don't forget to wear your pants on the outside as well....

Mandrake wrote:

but I'm wearing a cape

Don't forget to wear your pants on the outside as well....

Oh!!? Are you meant to wear them on the inside normally?

I'm a bit sad now... I keep going to my kitchen to find food, but all I find is ingredients

My police officer buddy made the mistake of arresting a magician last night. He shouldn't have asked him to empty his pockets.

He was (technically) a very short 'mentalist', who then proceed to escape... he's now a small medium at large.

New batch just in...

For Those Who Like Words

1. The meaning of opaque is unclear.

2. I wasn't going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind.

3. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

4. A man tried to assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!

5. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

6. If there were someone selling marijuana in our neighbourhood, weed know about it.

7. It's a lengthy article about ancient Japanese sword fighters but I can Sumurais it for you.

8. It's not that the man couldn't juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

9. So what if I don't know the meaning of the word 'apocalypse'? It's not the end of the world.

10. Police were called to the day-care centre. A 3-year old was resisting a rest.

11. The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

12.. Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.

13. Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.

14. I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

15. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

16. Did you know they won't be making yardsticks any longer?

17. I used to be allergic to soap but I'm clean now.

18. The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.

19. What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is killing me.

20. Do you have weight loss mantras? Fat chants!

21. My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew it seams.

22. What is a thesaurus's favourite dessert? Synonym buns.

23. A relief map shows where the toilets are.

24. There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.

25. How do they figure out the price of hammers? Per pound.

(In Scottish)

What do you do when you find a trumpet growing in your garden?

Root-a-toot.

Och aye!!!